Ford's Self Help: Answers to Life's Questions
by BlueMerle
Summary: Ford got a self help section in the newspaper! he's answering those annoying hypothetical/unanswerable questions of life that will usually keep you chewing on them for an annoyingly long time. I don't own it.
1. Week 1

_Alrighty, my second fanfic! Slightly funny, but more about the answers to those stupid hypothetical/unanserwable questions. I need more of those so review and give me questions._

Week one:

Dear Ford,

If a tree falls in a forest and no one's there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Sincerely,

Treehugger

Dear Treehugger,

Of course it makes a sound!! Think of it this way: if a monkey howls and no one's there to hear it, is it still a monkey?

Of course, if it were howling in pain as a biogeneticist is genetically mutating it into a pony, then no, it's not a monkey. However, that's not the point. The point is yes, it does make a sound. You don't have to believe. Not many people believe me anyway, but then, I don't know many people… does that answer your question?

Dear Ford,

Why do we sing "Take Me Out To the Ballgame" at ball games if we're already there?

Babe Ruth

Dear Babe Ruth,

Isn't Babe Ruth dead? Oh well, I'll take your word for it.

Anyway, it's cuz we're idiots.

At ball game with Arthur… 

"TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALL GAME, TAKE ME OUT TO THE CROWD! BUY ME SOME PEANUTS AND CRACKERJACKS…"

"so, Arthur, why do we sing that annoying song if we're already here?" I asked.

"uhmm, I dunno, cuz we're idiots I guess…" he replied.

"I KNEW IT!!!" I screamed. For some reason, a whole bunch of people looked at me funny. They should hear themselves scream, they sound like frying monkeys.

Back to letter… 

So, my theory was correct. We sing "take me out to the ball game" cuz we're idiots.

Dear Ford,

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Love,

1 large pizza with extra cheese, mushrooms, and barbecued mealworms.

Dear one with super long order that I now forget,

This is a self-help section, not a pizza place. Call 546-2341 for pizza.

However, I do have an answer to your question. This is because if it's in a round box, then the box would have to be wider than the pizza otherwise you won't be able to get it out. Besides, squares are awesomer.

Ford

So, how was it? review, i need more questions otherwise this story will go on a VERY long pause as i look for more of life's questions. ALso, just cuz i'm mean like that, 5 reviews for week 2


	2. Week 2

Alrighty, this is a pretty long chappy for me but I was bored and restless and I had nothing better to do. I still need those questions that are troubling your dreams, Ford wants to answer them for you! Now when you review (notice I said "when") give me a question that you've been chewing on.

Week 2:

Dear Ford,

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of murdered?

Confused About Homicide

Dear Confused About Homicide,

How can you be confused about homicide? It's a really simple procedure with that has many ways to carry itself out, which mostly consists of the use of knifeware, guns, bombs, torture, and other painful yet effective methods. Anyway, in order to be considered assassinated, you have to be 8.2534523459203456209345629384710983459836451093810598620938561029835 out of 10 important. If you wish to be considered assassinated, I think this is the easiest procedure:

1. Become best friends with whoever is going to be in government business who will also be in charge of the election and vote countation.

2. Turn 35/40/whatever age you have to be to run for president

3. Enter the election by using trickery, big words, and noble speeches.

4.When nobody votes for you, make it look like you don't have a plan and are not trying to take over the United States by using more trickery, big words, and noble speeches.

5.When all the votes are in and are being counted, have your bestest buddy secretly add a million extra points to your counting from whoever has more than a million points.

6. When you are announced the new president, look surprised, flattered, and honored and make a few more noble speeches with big words.

7. Make sure you hire a noble-speech-maker and a linguist and have them help you with making more big speeches and such.

8. On the last day that you are president, have a member of the Blood gang shoot you. By this point, it won't matter if people start thinking it's all a set up, because you're so important that they have to say that you've been assassinated and they really can't do anything about it. Congrats, you have achieved the title of being assassinated!

9. Hope with all your nonexistent heart that God will forgive you for tricking your way through the government to meet your own selfish purposes.

So, there you go. I hope that answers your question!!

Ford

Dear Ford,

What disease did cured ham really have?

Sincerely,

Porkbutt

Dear Porkbutt,

Ah! You are being scammed when you buy so-called "cured" ham. You see, the whole "cured ham" dealio is trying to make you believe that they have cure the pork butt of it's ginormus fat and calorie content. There's plenty of pigs for them to kill, which makes a lot of pork butts, but they don't want the pork butt to go to waste. Nobody likes the idea of eating pork butt so they gave it a new, less offensive name, ham, and said it was cured of it's fat and calorie content. Since most people were kinda skeptical of this idea, they took out the part about the fat and calorie content and simply left it as "cured", so it sounds like the pig had a disease and they were responsible enough to cure it for you so you don't get the Germanese Malariavirus found in pigs. I hope that helped!

Ford

Dear Ford

Does no news really mean good news?

News

Dear News

What exactly is your news? If you have no news I suppose that's good news but why would you call yourself News if you have no news? Huh.

Anyway, of all the ridiculous expressions people use- and people use a great many ridiculous expressions- one of the most ridiculous is "No news is good news." "No new is good news" simply means that if you don't hear from someone, everything is probably fine, and you can se at once why this expression makes such little sense, because everything being fine is only one of many, many reasons why someone has not contacted you. Perhaps they are tied up. Perhaps they are surrounded by fierce weasels, or perhaps they are wedged tightly between two refrigerators and cannot get themselves out. The expression might well be changed to "No news is bad news," except that people may not be able to contact you because they have just been crowned king or are competing in a gymnastics tournament. The point is that there is no way to know why someone has not contacted you, until they contact you and explain themselves. For this reason, the sensible expression would be "No news is no news," except that it is so obvious it is hardly an expression at all.

Ford

_So, any ideas? What did you think? Also, I got the answer to the last question from another book, but I forgot what that book was called…I'm very prone to dementia._


	3. Week 3

_Alright, thanks to all those that reviewed, also jsut to let you know, I'm not always this nice about reviewing frequently, so if you don't here for mme for a long time it doesn't mean i gave up yet._

Dear Ford,

Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it?

Stupid

Dear Stupid

Wow, I feel bad calling you stupid. Anyway, your question should be "are people born smart or do they have to work at it?" referring to people like Albert Einstein. The answer is, yes, since Al didn't learn to walk until he was six. Man, I feel bad about making him sound like Al Capone…

You might also refer to all those ultra-smart, millionlingual, 10.0 GPA Asian students that somehow seem to be so smart, but the truth is they are constantly beaten and motivated by threats of being beaten. Then, when they grow up, immigrate, and get rich, they have kids and remember their beatings so they beat their kids as well. The better parents yell at their kids or give them the Silent Treatment which I wish my parents did, cuz they talk too much.

Ford

Dear Ford,

How come when you go from here to there you're still here?

Livin' in the Mo

Dear Livin' in the Mo,

Who says livin' in the mo these days anymore? And anyway, don't you mean 'livin' in the spot'? Oh well, after 15 years of you humans I didn't really grow any more intelligent than I was about you guys so whatever.

The word 'there' refers to a spot that you are not currently in. So wherever you are is here, and wherever you aren't is there. When you say you're going there, you're really saying that you're changing here position to a different spot that you are defining as there. Got it?

Ford

Dear Ford,

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Love,

Violent Voter for Communism

Dear Violent Voter for Communism,

Ya know, the whole "Love" part of your letter really clashes with your name. I suggest that if you wish to remain in your status of 'violent', you oughta end your letters with a negative verb. Otherwise, you're violent act used to hide that inner kindness, love and passion is perfect.

When one says tourist season, one means that one will be seeing one too many tourists during time specified by one. It means many people will be sightseeing, the streets will be crowded with many people, and many people will be stuffed in many buildings.

It does not refer to the time of killing tourists, it is simply referred to tourist 'season' because there is a specified tie in which tourists are plentiful like a special time where living, bloody, delicious meat is plentiful. Also, I think your violence is starting to rub off on me. I feel disturbed. Please do not ask me this kind of violent question again in the future.

Ford

_Ok, i need more questions or this story is gonna pause unitl i get a good, hypothetical question. REVIEW!! i want teh review number to go to 7 before i post again. I think i'm being to nice by updating so often..._


	4. Week 4

_Thanks to one of my reviewers for the following question, review and give me ideas.sigh i'm tired of thinking up of witty disclaimers. I don't own it._

Dear Ford,

If a tree hits my dad's car and nobody hears it, will his insurance still pay?

Signed,

Daddy's Girl

Dear Daddy's Girl

How old are you anyway? Who calls themselves "daddy's girl" if they're younger than 12? You know what, don't worry your pretty little head about this. Daddy's insurance has got it covered. They're nice people (most of the time), they'll pay for it (hope for the best...). OK! FINE! Ya got me!! I'm too nice! I can't lie to a cute little girl like you- wait are you cute? Are you even a girl?! Are you a male stalker who's out to get me and are using this question as a loophole to get to me? Well listen up buddy, cuz you ain't gona get your finger on me...I hope...maybe...perhaps...I NEED A GUN!! In that case, I can lie to you. Daddy's insurane will totally take care of it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I better write my will...

Ford

Dear Ford

If a deaf person goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

I Need a Hearing Aid

Dear I Need a Hearing Aid

If you need one that badly, get one!! Go see your earologist, he'll give you all the information you need. Also, yes, it's still called a hearing. See, if you're blind you can't see the words coming out of one's mouth, but if your deaf, you can't hear it, but you can still see those words. It's just that they like the word "hearing" better and don't feel like changing it to "seeing" when a deaf person goes to court.

Ford

Dear Ford,

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they're in charge of everything outdoors?

One of the "IN" Crowd

Dear One of the "In" Crowd,

What does your name have to do with your question? I know most people are named after they're problems, so they're pretty much cursed to unknowing whenever their parents name them. That's what this self-help section is for, to remove your curse by giving you the answer! So, I'm gonna answer your question now!! They call themselves the Department of Interior because their office and stuff and where they work is all inside. They don't respect the beautiful, polluted view of the outdoors, so they tend to view it from indoors. They're also extremely selfish, the prefer to name their area of expertise after they're dwelling rather than they're area.

Ford

_Ok, this time I refuse to be nice. I will not update until i have exactly 7 reviews. Moral of the story: REVIEW!!_


	5. For lack of something creative, Week 5

_I just so happen to have come home from school today and realize that my parents were out. So, i wrote a long delayed chapter. For future reference, I THINK I'll be able to update on either Wed., Sat, or Sun., but probably not all three... Expect a new chapter about once a week, no more than 2. I know i deleted the author's note about the grounded thing, but I'm not ungrounded yet...i just wanted to delete it cuz you already know...Ok, i have an announcement about an amazing breakthrough that i made, but first, my review message: I need questions!! are there seriously no questions bothering you at all? i only have one reviewer who's giving me questions. you people have very boring lives._

_Now: I have discovered the LINE!!!! See? LINE! LINE! LINE!

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_

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_ok, done with the lines now...I did get some reviews with questions but sorry if i twisted them slightly to fit my answer...The first question's answer may seem a bit boring but it's the real answer, i asked my teacher cuz i had been wondering about it... One more line!!!

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_

Dear Ford,

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

NOT a Moron

Dear NOT a Moron,

Hey, i get it, you're not a moron. why the caps? is it that important to you that people don't assume you as a moron? Well, ok, i guess it would...

The word "morality" actually comes from "moral", so no, morality does not come from morons, it comes from moral-um-things... yeah... anyway, enjoy your non-moronic life! And moronic _is_ akin to moron...

Ford

Dear Ford,

How can the answer to life, the universe and everything be 42? Such a daft matter as 42?

Aristotle

Dear Aristotle,

Honored to meet you!! Finally! Yes, yes, i share your concern for the validity of 42 being the answer to life, the universe, and everything in it.

Unfortunately, the deeper answer is inside that thick skull of my buddy Arthur, which is so thick that even Arthur can't access it... We should have given Marvin the chance to let us in on it when we could...Marvin's actually a really good kid...So, the answer to your question would be in Arthur's head.

Ford

Dear Ford,

If you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant, what would you do?

Endangered Animal

Dear Endangered Animal,

Hmmmm... are you the said endangered animal eating the said endangered plant? Are you simply trying to assure yourelf taht I won't shoot you? Well your lucky you picked me, any other person would have lied and say they'd leave you alone, while their actual intentions are to shoot you, which they plan to do secretly in the dead night.

But, I am going to tell the truth and say that I'd leave you alone, because I have no interest in creatures like you, also i don't want a giant lawsuit against me...

Ford

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_Alright, I'm sure it has occured to you by now that Ford is kinda OOC, which is why now i think i should hve done Zaphod...Anyone want me to do a thing on Zaphod? Only i guess i wouldn't do these type of hypothetical questions, I'd probably do some other, more random, not really hypothetical-ish thing... what do you think? I'll consider it, but meanwhile, i'm sticking with Ford._

_PS-If any of you read Twilight, check out my other fanfic about Edward's pet butterfly._

_PPS-Review!!! More questions are needed. Thanks to all those who do review and give me questions, for this chapp specifically, the last 2 questions were given by reviewers._


	6. Week 6

_hiya everyone!! i'm in a good mood right now: i just came back from an algebra competion and i got hionorable mention, which means i get to go to state and get a free 100 on my algebra final exam!! so, i'm gonna update. also, if i accidently don't put one of your questions on here, just give me a review remindnig me that you were so kind to review adn would i please put in your question next time. Like i said, it's accidental if i do do that._

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Dear Ford, 

If the universe is infinite and scientists say it's expanding, what is it expanding into?

Infinetly Confused.

Dear Infinetly Confused,

Wow, you're really low on answers aren't youu, if you're so confused. Oh well, that's what this section is for.

Well, regarding your question, i have 2 theories:

1. the scientists are wrong. That's very possible since they think they're the only intelligent beings. Also, they got the Darwin theory wrong, and they're still putting it in textbooks. Who would believe that bananas, birds, bamboos, and vereaux's sifakases are all descended from one creature? And so, I'd say, since the universe is already infinite, then they're probably wrong because if they're right then some places will have to disapear to suit the small space that we ahve as our universe which means that the universe isn't technically expanding, just getting rid of things and putting new things in.

2. The scientists are right, and there's a bigger unit than infinity. So, we need a new word for it. Let's call it cheesecake, cuz i like cheesecake.

I'm gonna go with theory number 1, cuz that seems to make the most sense. But, if you don't like that answer, feel free to be in denial for the rest of your life.

Ford

Dear Ford,

If someone has multiple personalities (and/or independently thinking heads), threatens to kill themselves, is that a hostage situation?

Zaphod

Dear Zaphod,

Zaphod, my boy!!! How are you these days? Why didn't you just come to me yourself with such questions? Wait!!! Are you suicidal?! Are your heads suddenly not getting along? gasp you need my help!

I would say that if you have independently thinking heads threatening murder, then yes, it is a hostage situation, but unfortunately there's nothing you can do about it beacuse you have one body and you can't escape unless you cut the other one off, because just because you have the same body doesn't mean you don't each have your own ideas and that you think the same way.

However, if it's just a multiple personality disorder, then no, it's not a hostage situation. It's something called suicide, cuz you just have two personalities in one head. So, in your situation, I'd say you're not commiting suicide, you're commiting murder.

Ford

Dear Ford,

If a mute swears, would his/her mtoher wash his hands with soap?

Quiet

Dear Quiet,

Well, I don't see how this really affects you, since your not mute, jsut quite...unless you use sign language? Huh. scratching head in confusion.

GENERALLY yes, but there are a few situations where it won't happen.

1. Your mother isn't there. Then she can't see you, and therefore can't wash your hands with soap.

2. Your mother isn't alive. Same concept as #1

3. Your mother is blind. Same concept as #2, which is the same concept as #1

So, I hope that that answers your question.

Ford

_I know there's one quesiton that I haven't answered that was in my review, but i only feel like answering one question per chapter..._


	7. Week 7

_I'm sad...no one reviewed on the last chapter...crestfallen sob. This really isn't good for my already low self-esteem...not that any of you would care anyway... _

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Dear Ford,

If a turtle loses its shell, is it homeless or naked?

Hermit

Dear Hermit,

Aren't you a frog? I'm getting confused with all you animals...Arthur's still an aardvard right?

Well, if a turtle loses its shell, it's neither homeless nor naked. It's dead. You don't see a turtle walking around without a shell do you? Chances are, if you see a turtle without its shell, its probably a little crisp around the edges from being in a frying pan... Poor turtle. 

Anyway, in my opinion, turtles are an aquired taste. But the answer to your question is "dead". Such a sad, sad word...

Ford

Dear Ford,

Why is it that we say one "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every 2 hours?

Baby Phat

Dear Baby Phat,

Before I say any more, I take back that comment on how your names match your questions. I'm starting to discover that your names actually have nothing to do with your problems unless you think about it pun-wise.

About your question now: there arefour explanations for that.

1. You're talking about a baby. That's probably the most obvious one, unless you're not talking about a baby. Then, this explanation makes no sense cuz you're not talking about a baby (common sense comes to play on this one).

2. You're talking about a person that wakes up too much. Then that would match the sleeping habits of a baby (some thinking comes to play in this one).

3. You're talking about a person that likes to sleep a lot, and are not necessarily relating the person to a baby's sleeping habits. The baby is an odd creature. They like to sleep a lot, but we don't always agree with their sleeping habits.

4.You don't know what you're talking about. Most people don't like to admit it, but they ofen sy things to amke themsound wise and educated. You might be one of them.

Ford

Dear Ford,

Why do you call this a "Self Help" section if you're not really helping yourself?

Psychologically Unwell

Dear Psychologically Unwell,

Well, if you're psychologically unwell, you came to the right person! However, I've learned by now that you can't trust a person's name.

It's called a self help section to make you feel useful, like you really can help yourself. I'm actually the one helping you, but it's better for your self esteem if you think you're answering all your questions through hard pondering and a sudden bright idea. That's the point of self help. 

Ford

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_Please review. It took me about an hour to write this cuz I'm too uncreative to come up with questions. Also it was because your nonreviewingnes has been forcing my self-esteem to drop. I feel very bad. I feel like I'm a terrible writer and should just give up on this story adn delete it. sob._


	8. Week 8 The Right One

_SORRY!! I put the wrong fic chap up, here's the real thing...Ok, done with the pity messages. However, someone reviewed and said this should've been a one-shot and that this story is losing it's magic. Frankly, the point of me writing this fic is to answer hypothetical/unanswerable questions with sincerity and slight humor. So, let's have a vote. Whoever thinks this chap was just as good as the first and wants me to continue, say so, and whoever thinks this is a better one-shot and that I might as well move on, say so. Meanwhile, I need more questions._

_

* * *

_Dear Ford,

Why?

Socrates

Dear Socrates,

Wow, first Aristotle and now Socrates? I think I'm getting good at this answering questions thing. Maybe Plato will come to me next.

However, the question you've brought up for me to answer is rather...wide-ranged. Why what? And yet it seems like a totally sensible, good question to me...hmmmm. I have to answer this question to continue my reputation...I now conclude that the answer to your question is...the answer. Now, you just have to figure out what that answer is!

Ford

Dear Ford,

Have you ever tried giving Arthur more Scrabble tiles? I know you came very close to finding the questions back in old, old, VERY old Earth, but you ran out of Scrable tiles to draw out of the bag. So why don't you try it again?

The Weirdo with the Beardo

Dear The Weirdo with the Beardo,

Ah...yesss, umm, your question puts me in a bad position...

1. I never thought to do that again.

2. I never thought to do that again because of the whole # 1 thing...

So basically I just never thought to do that again...besides we wouldn't have gone through all this trouble if Marvin would be more of a talker. So blame it on him.

Ford

Dear Ford,

What would happen if you mooned a werewolf?

Furry

Dear Furry,

Oh dear...you must be furry...I reccommend seeing a doctor...you'll never get a girlfriend if you don't take matters into your own hands.

As for your question, the werewolf would hopefully turn away...but I wouldn't say there are any other side affects besides that because mooning usually refers to pulling one's pants down at someone, and it's considered rude and unrespectful by a majority of the community (notice the word MAJORITY). However, I would blame the wolf if it decides to make the mooner bleed a little...very temperamental, them wolves.

Ford


	9. Week 9

_Ok, long time, no Ford! Sorry guys, had a lot to do: a week of benchmark, 2 days of end of course, a competition, 2 projects due, and that's about it. I gotta whole bunch of questions since the last post, so i might not get al of your questions in one chap. Don't feel bad, I'm going from the bottom of the list and working my way up.So, here you go:_

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Dear Ford,

If you remove a snails shell, is it a slug?

Homeless Hobo

Dear Homeless Hobo,

You know, they have places for the homeless to stay...Don't be homeless. You'll make me feel bad. You'll remind me of all those years staying in this very limited planet so far away from my home...I need a moment.

Alright: if a snail loses it's shell, it's not a slug. It's a homeless snail. Such depressing questions are coming in these days. However, a homeless snail is also a dead snail. I don't know which I'd rather not be: homeless or dead. I haven't really tried out dead. Let's have a moment of silence for all those dead, homeless snails out there.

Ford

P.S. Moment over.

Dear Ford,

How do they put the sign that says: Do not walk on grass in the middle of a lawn?

Lawn Mower

Dear Lawn Mower,

I've always wanted to see what it was like to be a lawn mower, caring for our nation's grass and brutally slicing it into little itty bits and severing the tops of all the grass and all that other depressing things you do to grass.

However, the process of putting in that sign is very interesting. You see, they get a helicopter and fly directly over that lawn. Then, they throw it really hard where they want it and hope it stays. Either that or they walk in the middle of the lawn adn put it in themselves. But let's go with the more exciting answer.

Ford

Dear Ford,

Why not?

Plato

Dear Plato,

Aahhhhh, now all the famous philosophers that I've never heard of has come to me!! I am content. However, I'm discontent. Content, but discontent. That makes very senseless sense.

Your questions is an interesting one that could get a lot of great thinkers stumped. However, you can't stump the good ol' Ford Prefect! Good question. Here are some good reasons:

1. You could blow something up on accident.

2. You might set off a nuclear bomb that will destroy the earth.

3. You might end the world.

4. The sky could fall.

5. Cows might turn green.

6. Milk might turn green.

7. You might spontaneously combust.

8. The ground will fall.

9. Chocolate will disapear.

10. You'll get sued.

And those are only a few of the nasty things that could happen. I must say, I think that was an easier question to answer.

FOrd.


	10. Week 10

_I know, i knwo, It's been a month without ford. However, i do have an excuse. Finals! Yay. cough_

Dear Ford,

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Ed's Autoparts

Dear Ed's Autoparts

Hey, weren't you the guys i sent my car to for a new engine 123 years ago? You gave me a new engine, but that engine also blew up my wife when she was driving. Thanks guys! When I found out, i laughed until i cried. oh, the joy to be single again. I did go to the funeral though. The band played, and I danced all the way. Her relatives didn't like me very much. Later I married another, far worse than the other. Oh, how i wished I was single again...

Anyway, yes, it's possible to be totally partial. Partial-ness doesn't follow the rules of physics, thus giving it an advantage: it doesn't ahve to follow our rules. So, even though the laws of physics say that being totally partial is oxymoronic, since it doesn't follow those laws, it's possible.

Ford

Dear Ford,

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat-food?

Old Cat Lady

Dear Old Cat Lady,

I used to know an old cat lady. When she died, no one found out until a couple years later. The lady was real paranoid and her doors were locked, so the cats ate the rest of the cat food, and when there was no more left, they ate her. The cops eventually found what they assumed to be her bones picked clean after a while...

Aside from that grueling subject, there's no mouse flavored cat-food because we have enough mice in this world already. What are we gonna gain from mouse-flavored catfood besides more time for mice to reproduce? And remember: the mice have a plan, adn they purposefully meant for the cats to eat them, it's all part of their experiment. I doubt there's any more mice in your house, I think the mice might have decided they've lost enough comrades from those cats of your already.

Ford

Dear Ford,

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Asparagus

Dear Asparagus,

You better not let my dear old friend Adam know that you exist. He loves asparagus. he'll probably eat you by the time youget to read the answer to your question. Why am i botering to answer this question if your gonna be his poop soon anyway? I'm so manipulative...

Well, I expect he's already being paid minumum wage, so whoever's suing him won't get much out of it. i suppose he could claim all of his parley stock and make some over-spiced potatoes for Thanksgiving, but taht would not be smart anyway.

Ford


	11. Bleh Another Week

_I did have an excuse for not updating in such a long time, but erm...i forgot...but anyway, here's your chappy! Also, I'm in an overload of unanswered questions. Those of you who do suggest them are quite demanding...so go ahead and keep brining them in, but let's limit it to 2 questions max per review please?_

Dear Ford,

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

heart  
Worried.

Dear Worried,

What's with the heart?

I understand your concern about this topic, however, it's quite simple and perfectly legal in the Vegetarian Book of Not To Eats which actually does not exist yet, but it will...hopefully, to remove future questions in which concerned vegetarians come to me, who is not a vegetarian, for guidance. It is perfectly legal, though detestable to some vegetarians, while other quite enjoy it. You see, the animal cracker was invented to quench these vegetarians' malnourished carnivore sides. So, the single purose of an animal cracker is to make those carnivorous sides happy while still receiving approval from their dominant herbivore sides.

This way, their insides won't go to war and the vegetarian in question's insides won't start taking sides with the carnivorous and the herbivore side and they won't end up eventaully tearing up this unfortunate vegetarian's insides and leave them unable to eat either food types. Although there are no records of this actually ever happening, I'd like you to keep in mind that it's a very possible outcome for those who don't eat animal crackers. So, to all those vegetarians out there, eat your crackers!

Ford

Dear Ford,

I know Marvin told you the Question to the Ultimate Answer. What is it Ford?!

Angrily Yours,

Arthur

PS--Don't give me 'how many roads must a man walk down'. I've tried that, it didn't blow up the universe.

Dear Arthur

Oh my dear, dear Arthur. Are you still after that petty, troublesome questions after all these years, even after I'm working for an intergalactic newpaper publishing company? Oh Arthur, Arthur, Arthur. Now because you chose to come to me in such a formal way, the whole universe will realize your stubborn persistence and ignorance. sigh My good Arthur, couldn't have just given up after tracking me through Betelguese, then round tripping back through Alabaster, and going through those bogs at whachamacalit and around the forest with the flesh eating trees...I still have scars.

But don't think I'm avoiding you!! No way, there's no way I'm ignoring you. I'm not ignoring you now am I? I shall continue not ignoring you...but erm...the question eh...yeah, I'm still not gonna tell you. For the good of the universe. Not because I'm a selfish person and I could use this method to blackmail you into doing whatever I tell you. Nope. That's not the reason. It would be to cruel. So, no answer for you, my friend.

Ford

Dear Ford,

Isn't the question more important than the answer?

Alexander the Great--Student of Aristotle.

Dear Alexander the Blah,

Huh. I'm meeting everyone these days, aren't I? But I like the way you think.

It's true. The question is indeed more important than the answer. You see, you can't have an answer without the question, or the answer would not be an answer because it dose not have the prelude that is supposed to be the question to accompany it, thus rendering the would-be answer to a simple statement. There is nothing special about a statement, unless it's a matter of life and death, or perhaps the exploding or not exploding of the universe...yes, that would make the statement a special statement.

So, to wrap it all up, the Question's sole purpose is to give a certain statement importance. But there mustn't be too many questions, or the answer won't be unique anymore because every statement would be an answer. But the Question would also be extremely lonely without the Answer. It would go far and wide into the mind of unsuspecting citizens of the Universe and forcing them into excruciatingly painful and infuriating journeys of the mind, and eventually drive the journey take insane, in which the Question would seek another host to infuriate.

Sometimes, the question does not have to go far to find it's answer, such as with questions like "is the sky blue?" or "When was the battle in 1066?" or "How does the seatbelt get so tight when you slam on the brakes, Daddy?" in which the answers would be, respectively, "yes", and "10:15 am" and "Don't ask stupid questions." But for other, deeper questions, most commonly begginning with the word "why" are much harder to answer, therefore their duration in people's minds are much longer. These are questions like "why am I born?" or "why must we die?" or simply "why?" To these questions there is only one good and simple answer that would not require an excessive amount of time or run-on sentences. That answer would be "Why not?" So, don't ask stupid questions.

Ford

* * *

_Here's a much longer chapter than normal...I felt like going farther indepth with these more philosophical questions. I may or may not update again this month. Which is really saying nothing..._


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